Doom and why you shouldn't steal eggs

To any one on Earth the thought of riding a motorcycle through the jungle while being chased by a giant Tyrannosaurus-like creature was something reserved for the movies. However for Doom this sought of thing happened a lot, although he probably could have avoided this by not picking up the creature’s egg to be sold in some strange market place. Well what are you going to do?

That was another thing he often had to do. Think about how to get out of life or death situations, which would make even the most brilliant writers, use a Deus Ex Machina. Thankfully he was smart, and he used this to get out of such predicaments.

As Doom thought once more about his own brilliance the large reptilian monstrosity travelling at around 60 km per hour was catching up to him. It didn’t help the fact, that a motorbike of any kind needs good ground to drive on, whilst this creature had the strength and grace of a bulldozer. It also didn’t help that this particular bike was probably about 20 years old and heavily rusted, the fact that it still worked was partly to luck, partly to genius and partly because a omnipresent creature that surrounded and permeated the planet was personally quite interested in Doom seeing as the next most interesting thing on this planet was as stupid as a slug.

After a couple of reckless (and highly illegal) turns (which really doesn’t apply on a deserted planet) Doom managed to come across a large relatively flat “road” to drive upon. Gazing back he saw the beast burst from the undergrowth and it was at that point that Doom got his first good look at it. It looked more like an Iguana than a T-Rex, although the head was most certainly from the late Saurischian. It was immense; its head about 5 meters from the ground and probably about 20 meters long. This got Doom off self reflection.

“Ok think, Doom. What can you do to get out of this?!” He roared this but it could not be heard over the sound of the small, rusty motorbike and a giant reptile running behind him. Normally he would just teleport out of the dimension, but the problem with that scenario is that it took the device 1 minute to warm up and he had to press a lot of buttons to make it happen. So it wasn’t exactly easy or safe to do on a motorbike.

However there were other ways to dimension hop, but they were so dangerous that a sane person wouldn’t even think about them. Naturally Doom decided that they would be the only (and most entertaining) way to get out alive.

His gaze snapped down to his wrist after he carefully checked to make sure that he wasn’t going to crash into something for the foreseeable future. Taking one hand of the handles of the bike he opened up a small panel on his wrist watch (which looked more like someone had strapped and Iphone to their wrist and called it a watch). Instead of the usual computation of hundreds of delicate mathematical formulas, Doom when straight for the most dangerous device ever created.

Normal dimension travel involves carefully removing a chunk of one universe and inserting it into another. This was safe and incredibly complicated, and it therefore required a lot of time to do it properly. The method he was about to do involved smashing two realities into each other and going through the hole it leaves behind. One of the biggest problems with this method was that one of the million possible side-effects was the possibility of destroying whole universes. One of the much more realistic problems was the one that always happened. And that was leaving a gaping maw in between the two realities allowing widespread contamination of both worlds.

Sometimes these portals closed, sometimes they didn’t. Doom not being the massive humanitarian that wise characters are often portrayed to be, decided that he needed to survive above all else. That and the odds of the world being inhabited are miniscule he thought. “Goodbye behemoth!!!” He roared at the top of his lungs, and then pressed the button on his watch.

A huge blue pulsating portal opened in front of him and he smashed right on through it. Thankfully it was largely just showy lights that were probably more important in amusing the creator than actually doing anything. After a moment of weightlessness he slammed his bike into the tarmac of a highway. Not a post-apocalyptic highway either. Nope. A fully fledged highway, being used by about 1000 cars at the present point in time. At least it was in a desert and not near any suburbs.

He kept driving ignoring the angry shouts of the drivers surrounding him, each of them driving a lot faster than he was and angry that he was hogging the road. Unfortunately cars were still coming from behind him as portals only existed on one plane and therefore could only be entered from one side. This was the side he came out of. This also happened to be the side that the beast burst from.

The cars immediately surrounding the dinosaur-thing were thrown off the road. That and the fact that it covered the entire highway pretty much ensured that none of the cars were getting through. It lifted its head up from ground and took in big whiffs from the air. It caught Doom’s scent. Its large eyes carefully scanned the highway and the accelerating cars for the lone biker. It spotted him and immediately darted forward down the stretch of empty highway.

Back to Doom’s perspective. The cars in front were now far ahead of him, and no cars were coming from behind. He guessed that this was because of the dinosaur. He realized that at his present speed (which was flat out) the beast would catch him, even if it took him about an hour, however he would probably run out of fuel long before that. He needed a new plan.

This was when something VERY bad happened. About 200 meters ahead, a fuel tanker that was trying to get away from absolutely everything (like you do when a huge portal appears down the road) crashed into a car that tried to pull over. The tanker was going far too fast at the time of collision and just happened to crush the car and burst a couple of tires. The driver lost control of the truck and slammed into the cliff face to the right of road, while the tank smashed into the cliff face on the left.

Another car then slammed right into the truck’s tank. BOOM!!!!!!!!! The tank exploded in infinite might, causing fire to rain over a 100 meter radius and shrapnel to rip oncoming cars to pieces, which in turn caused a massive pile-up. This was all watch by Doom, 15 oncoming cars and a beast who didn’t seem to care.

Desperately Doom searched for a possible escape. But it was no use, the mountain range stretched completely across the oncoming landscape. He was plowing headlong into a fiery explosion and he could do nothing about it. If he stopped he would be eaten. If he kept going he would fry. He needed to think of something and FAST!!!!

He looked back to see the beast gaining fast. That’s what you get for slowing down he thought. “Ok Doom. You’re a genius. You should be able to get out of this. Think. Think. THINK!!!”

That got him thinking. The cars were piling up around the tanker. If he could just find one that could work as a ramp. And he saw it. A nice, shiny, new car lay upside down on an angle making it the perfect ramp. Flawing it once again he drove headlong into the makeshift slope, jumping a little to get onto the car. He drove right through the enormous fires licking the sky, and his only thought was I haven’t had bread in a while.

He slammed down onto boiling tar on the other side of the jump, and fell off his bike. Its tires burst and Doom had to roll from the initial carnage to prevent third degree burns. Once he was far enough away he leapt from the ground, and looked around him. He was met with the gaze of about 20 people all looking at him as if he might spontaneously combust or something. After quickly checking to make sure he wasn’t actually on fire he walked to the nearest guy.

“Ok, I sought of need to go to the hospital. So if you would be as kind as to...” This was as far as Doom got, because at that moment the beast smashed apart the remains of the tanker and looked straight at Doom. “Not good.”

Hundreds of people began to scream, Doom didn’t. Instead what he did do was jump into the guy’s car start up the ignition, did a hasty U-turn and drove as fast as he could. Thankfully there was no one else on the lane.

The beast knew what car he was in apparently. And then it did something really mean. It leapt about 200 meters forward so it was standing right in front of his car. He didn’t have time to apply the brakes, so he swerved; off the road and into a canyon.

He fell straight down and his car crashed head on into the ground. “Seat belts save lives” he breathed. Somehow he had managed to survive that, and he pulled himself from the smoking wreck and crawled along the river bank. THUD!!! Hearing the noise he turned back to see the beast standing over him, teeth bared. It seemed to be hissing.

“Ok, calm down.” Doom pulled from a small satchel he carried, a golden egg. It was roughly the size of a watermelon and gleamed in the sunlight. “You want this back?”

The beast roared so loudly that a bird 500 meters away turned its head to see what was happening. Unfortunately for it, it kept flying and ended up smashing into a tree.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He lowered the egg onto the ground and backed away slowly. His hand fell to his watch and he pressed several buttons on it. The creature slowly bent down and sniffed at the egg...before raising its foot into the hair and smashing it to pieces.

“Oh good I thought this ending was going to be as bad as Jurassic Park 3,” Doom raised his arm and pressed one more button on his watch. A red beam of light burst forward and hit the beast head on. Nothing happened. The beast just roared and tried to edge forward. Unfortunately for it, it couldn’t. “Haha. You’re stuck in your own little pocket universe, can’t get out of it either. However the watch can’t maintain that sought of power for long, soooooo...” Doom started to frantically press buttons on his watch, engaging several highly theoretical systems in the process. “Normally I would just send you to another reality, however seeing as you broke the egg, which is worth billions, I’m afraid I’m going to have to use the gravitron matrix of this reality to separate the bindings of your molecule structure so as this dimension will have a little hissy fit and send every atom in your body to another quantum world. In other words you’re going to go bye bye.”

The creature, not having that high an intellect didn’t understand any of this and therefore would have been surprised when he disappeared from this world. However this happened instantaneously and he could not enjoy the spectacle. Doom on the other hand loved it. He laughed at the top of his lungs and fell to the ground.

After about a minute he calmed down, “Ok, so let’s see.” Doom once more looked down at his watch which was showing the image of a flashing battery. “One of the advantages of using quantum worlds. Quick, easy recharge.” He failed to mention that a negative effect was the possibility of creating a black hole. One of the reasons he didn’t do it all that much.

Going into his world address section he scanned down the page to find an interesting reality. “Ooooh, Earth 473. Golden trees forests and oceans of diamonds.” He entered in the required equations and with a final glance towards the shattered egg lying on the floor he disappeared in a blue flash.